Michael "Squints" Palledorous wears big glasses and a bigger attitude. He is in love with Wendy Peffercorn. He goes to great lengths to profess his love her, including faking his own death just to kiss her. It all works out for him in the end, though, and they marry and have 9 kids. He is also part of the reason the movie got sued, due to both his stereotypical nerdiness and jail-worthy harrassment.

Squints when Smalls first arrives. He is one of the first to insult him, emphasizing his rudeness.